


Hero x Thief

by JadeTheThief



Category: Dice Funk Podcast D&D Campaign
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-07 00:36:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18862177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeTheThief/pseuds/JadeTheThief
Summary: Another Jade story set in the Dice Funk universe, written post season 3.





	Hero x Thief

Jade the elf crept through the potato field, taking note of the large footprints imprinted into the muddy ground. Something big lived here, that was for sure, but the rumors all agreed that the jewel she sought was here too... somewhere. Apparently, some foolish farmer had found an enchanted diamond buried in his field, and just... kept it?

The thief shook her head. A gem like that belonged with someone who could appreciate its beauty... someone like her. 

The door to the farmer's cottage was unlocked... it was barely a door, really. Just some boards crudely nailed together, attached to the rest of the building with rope hinges. Slipping inside with ease, Jade looked around and found the room unoccupied. There was a bed made of straw, some bags and barrels filled with potatoes, and a few farming tools. Where would he keep something precious, though... 

An hour of searching later, she came up empty. Potatoes lay everywhere, bags overturned, barrels emptied. Nothing. Jade sat on a barrel, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. Where else...?

The door clattered and she bolted upright, getting to her feet as a tall green troll shoved the door open. “Wha...?” He looked down at her. “I ain't seen you before. What're you doin in my shack?”

His head turned, looking over the mess she'd left. “Are you... Stealin Mah Taters!?”

Jade inched backwards. “No, of course not. I don't even like potato...”

The troll leaned forward, sniffing her. “Yer new here. Ya smell new.”

“I'm...” the elf glanced away awkwardly, uncertain how much to say. “I'm Jade.”

“Well, howdy Jade, I'm Wulf.” The troll extended a hand. 

Jade grimaced, then lightly took the troll's lanky finger and shook it. “Nice to meet you. Now, if you don't mind...” she eased past him, heading for the door. 

“Where y'all going?” Wulf turned with a frown. Glancing back, Jade saw a glimmer in his thick hair: the diamond, threaded in a braid. 

“Uhhh...” Jade stammered, taking a step toward him. “Nowhere.”

“Oh...” Wulf raised and eyebrow. “Well, cool! We can play a game, then!” He clapped his hands. “I'm training to be a hero, see? Lots of cool heroing and stuff to do!”

Jade nodded, inching closer. “Sounds like... fun.” She eyed the gem greedily, lightly grinning. 

Wulf smirked. “Maybe you can be my sidekick, and we can--” He stopped eyeing her suspiciously. “Yer getting kinda close to mah personal space now. What exactly are you--?” He followed her gaze and reached up, plucking the gem from his hair. “So you ARE a thief!”

Jade snapped a hand at the gem but Wulf reacted faster, lifting it over their heads. Having failed her attempt, the elf turned and bolted for the door, but was knocked back by a ghostly tail. 

“What the fuck...?” Jade rubbed her head, opening her eyes to see a giant, spike-covered worm leering down at her. “SHIT!” she exclaimed, scrambling backward and bumping into Wulf's legs. 

“Yer here ta steal my shiny gem, ain'tcha?” he scowled, picking her up by the scruff of her neck. 

Jade shrugged sheepishly. “Guilty...?”

“Now lookie here.” The troll stamped his foot, setting her back down. “I'm the hero, and the hero gets ta fuck the pretty lady, ain't that right? ...pretty lady.”

Jade shifted uneasily. “You seem to have me confused for someone attractive. It's a common mistake... Look again and you'll realize I'm damn ugly.”

“Nah...” Wulf reached out, touching her bare shoulder. “Yer pretty. Maybe yeh are an evil thief, but I can fuck ya back to the side of good, I know it!”

Jade shuddered, feeling her skin crawl. “I don't think it works that way... besides, maybe I like being me?”

“Ye'll like bein a hero better,” he smiled, revealing yellowed teeth, his fingers slipping down the front of her shirt to cup her breast. “Trust me.”

“Oh goddess...” Jade muttered, eyes shifting from side to side in search of an escape route. The wurm was still there, watching her, tail flicking to remind her of its fearsome spikes. Wulf's long fingers groped her now, massaging her soft tissue. 

“Whaddya say, pretty lady?” He grinned, squeezing gently. “Wanna get with a hero?”

“Fine...” Jade sighed, shoulders slumping. “Seems I have no other choice, so fine, let's get this over with.”

Wulf laughed and took hold of the strap of her tanktop, lifting it up over her head with ease. “Yer tiny, but I like you. Seems like most people I meet are tiny anyhow.”

Jade shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “Maybe you're just big? Ever think of that?”

“I have, but then I realized I ain't no giant, so that couldn't be the case.” Wrapping both hands around her waist, the troll lifted the topless elf onto his shoulder and carried her across the room. 

As she was laid down on the muddy straw bed, Jade looked up at the creature towering over her, taking in his full height. His broad hand reached down and took hold of her pant leg, awkwardly tugging her pants off and tossing them away. 

“Now, we're gonna roleplay a bit, see? That's like a fun game friends can play.” He placed his hands on his hips, standing upright. “I'll be the hero, o'course. Yer my girlfriend, who ah just saved from the clutches of the evil supervillain.”

Jade pursed her lips. “Was this villain a troll?”

“Maybe, I dunno.” Wulf shrugged. “Mighta been. Who knows? It don't matter, though, cuz now you're reaaaaal grateful that I saved you, and ya want ta thank me for it.” He waved a hand at her. “Go on. Roleplay.”

Jade rolled her eyes. “What's in it for me?”

“What do ya mean?” Wulf stared at her, puzzled.

“Look, I'm willing to do this if you'll overlook that little attempted burglary earlier, but... come on, I'm not an actress. I need some motivation here.”

Wulf looked around dumbly. “Uhm... you can have that shiny rock that ya tried ta take. Ah mean, if we're gonna roleplay together, that means we're friends, right?”

Jade glanced over at the enchanted gem, eyes sparkling. “Yeah... exactly! Friends!” She smirked and settled onto the bed, taking a breath as she centered herself. “Okay...” Breathing out, she looked up at him, doing her best to convey a look of longing. “Oh Wulf, you saved me from Lord Snagglesnatch! How can I ever repay you?”

The troll grinned, pulling back his loincloth to reveal his long green cock. Jade sat up, moving forward on her knees and taking hold of the shaft, kissing and stroking it. “It's just as huge as I remember!” she swooned, fingers sliding up and down its length.

The troll blushed. “Want me to, uh... put it in you?”

“Not yet, my dear!” Jade grinned. “Let me warm it up for you first.” She wrapped her fingers around the base and gently tugged, pulling and massaging it.

“Oh my god...” Wulf moaned, head leaning back. Stumbling, he sat down on the bed and Jade continued to stroke with both hands, moving her head in close to kiss the tip. The troll's fingers slid behind her head, weaving into her hair as he caressed her. 

Parting her lips, Jade drew the green flesh rod into her mouth, using her tongue to push on it. Wulf sighed with pleasure, stroking her head and rubbing her long, pointed ears. “Damn... Ah didn't know ya'd be so good at this.” 

Jade smirked, stroking and sucking more energetically. Wulf groaned and his long legs twisted, kicking to the side of her as his other hand reached down and gripped her head, pulling her deeper onto his cock. The elf gasped and sputtered, gagging as she pushed against his legs. “Ah'm sorry!” he exclaimed, hands not letting go even as his pelvis thrust, his penis pounding against her throat. “You feel so good! I'm gonna--” 

Jade squinted, feeling like she was choking as thick cum flooded her mouth. As the grip loosened, she jerked free, leaning over the side of the bed and vomiting wads of spunk onto the floor. “Wh...” she coughed, wiping her mouth on her wrist. “What. The fuck. Was that?”

Wulf blushed, drawing his legs in sheepishly. “Ah'm sorry.. Ah've never been that excited before! That thing you did with your tongue...”

Jade rubbed the tears from her eyes, swallowing and trying to clear her throat. “Goddess...” She gulped, shaking her head. “To be honest, that's still not the worst I've been through, but...”

“That wasn't very hero-ly of me...” the troll hung his head in remorse. 

“Not really, no.” Jade snorted. 

“Can I...” Wulf scratched his head. “Can I make it up to ya? You pleasured me real good, and it's only right I do the same for you.”

Jade blinked, weighing the possibilities. “Hmm...” she rubbed her chin, wiping a dribble of troll spunk from her lips. “It's been a while since I had really good anal.”

“You want me ta pound ya in the butt?” Wulf grinned.

Jade smirked. “Sure. Also...” She walked over to the diamond, picking it up and carrying it back to the bed. “This is mine now.” Laying down, she raised her knees and lifted her butt, cradling the jewel in her arms. 

“Alright,” the troll took position behind her, rubbing her butt with his calloused hands. “Tell me when ta stop.” His penis pressed against her asshole, easing its way inside. 

“Oh goddess...” Jade moaned, gritting her teeth. “You feel so huge!” The troll smiled, sliding in deeper. Jade gasped and spread her legs further, reaching down to finger herself. “K-keep going... yeah...”

Wulf thrust, gently rocking her body as his cock slid in and out. Jade panted, rubbing herself vigorously. “Yes... yes...” she mewed, arousal filling her. It was so rare, to have a monster like this actually care how she felt. Her heart fluttered and she squirted, overcome with pleasure. 

The troll slapped her ass playfully. “There we go! I knew I'd get ya there!” His pace slowed and Jade glanced back at him, eyes narrowing slyly.

“I've got a few more left in me, if you're up to the challenge.” She grinned.

“Oh boy, am I!” Wulf laughed, hunching over her and groping her boobs as he resumed thrusting. Jade threw her head back, crying out in delight as her defenses fell away and she gave into the moment, letting the troll's thick cock bring her to orgasm again and again. 

Finally, exhausted and glistening with sweat, Wulf pulled out and rolled onto the bed beside her, gazing at her with longing. “This has got ta be the best day of my life, ya know?” 

Jade smirked, wiping her tousled hair away from her eyes. “I enjoyed it too, much to my surprise...”

“Like, I never knew an evil thief could be such a fun person...” Wulf stared, shaking his head. He lay there, pondering for a while, then sat upright. “I'm going ta be a thief too!”

Jade blinked, watching him with mouth agape. “Wha...?”

“Yeah!” Wulf exclaimed. “I'm gonna sneak around, all stealthy like, and look fer shiny things, and when somebody catches me, we're gonna fuck until we're besssst friends!”

Jade laughed, sitting back as she cradled the diamond. “Tell me how that goes, hm?”

Wulf nodded, then hopped out of bed and ran to the door. “Look out, world! Here comes Wulf the Thief!!” 

As he charged out, the purple wurm ghost glanced over at the troll's loincloth laying on the floor, drooped its head in dismay, then turned to follow its master, hooking the cloth with its tail.


End file.
